How to talk to a parent about moving to a care home

Talking to your parent about the possibility of their moving into a care home can be an emotional and challenging conversation for you both.

Your parent was your first and likely most significant caregiver. Finding those roles reversing as they age is a difficult transition.

When is the best time to talk about a care home with your parent?

The best time to discuss a care home with your parent is when you are both calm, comfortable, unrushed and unpressured.

Bringing it up in a stressful moment, such as when you are very worried about them, when they are feeling vulnerable or even during an argument, is less likely to yield a productive and balanced discussion for you both.

Why do you think they could benefit from a care home?

It’s important to keep the conversation positive and focus on how a care home could improve their life. So you could approach the reasons you think they need to move to a care home with an optimistic tone. Though try not to be so optimistic that you’re trying to sell it to them as that may understandably invite pushback on principle.

For example:

• “You’re lonely at home,” could instead be, “I feel like you’re so much happier surrounded by people.”
• “You’re getting housebound and isolated,” could instead be, “There’s a lovely home that’s round the corner from us and the high street, you’d have a bit more freedom.”
• “The house is a mess because you can’t manage it anymore,” could instead be, “I know you’ve always kept a good home but you don’t have to do it all yourself forever.”
• “You’re not able to look after yourself anymore,” could instead be, “There would always be somebody there for security and a bit of help when you need it.”

Topics to look into together might be activities in a care home and locations they’d like to live.

If they are dead against a residential care home, you could explore other avenues together, such as retirement villages, assisted living or home care.

What are your parent’s thoughts and concerns?

Your parent’s voice is the most important in this conversation, even if a key reason behind it is that you are struggling to care for them yourself.

What are their thoughts on care? The care industry has changed so much over their lifetime. They may have had experiences with their own parents that they don’t wish to replicate. They may have read things in the news that concern them.

Each of their concerns should be taken seriously. You may wish to make notes, as that shows that their concerns are valid and could prevent going round in circles. It can also mean you can investigate and find solutions for each concern together in an organised way.

Do you know anybody who lives in a care home?

If possible, try getting a perspective on life in a care home from somebody your parent trusts.

Do they have any friends who live in a care home that you could visit together? Do any of your friends have a parent in a care home who’d like to talk about it?

This person may also be able to address any of your parent’s thoughts and concerns from their own experience.

What are your parent’s criteria for a care home?

As with moving house, there’s a lot to consider when finding the ideal care home. It may be a good idea for your parent to take the lead on researching care homes, if they are able to, beginning with writing a list of what’s important to them.

Criteria you may want to discuss:

• Location
• Facilities
• Pet-friendliness
• Whether they would be able to continue with any social commitments they have

There’s a more thorough list of criteria to consider in a care home in our article 10 tips for choosing a care home.

You will need to choose a care home that meets your parent’s care requirements. To know exactly what these are, you can arrange a care needs assessment.

The care help team at carehome.co.uk can create a shortlist of care homes for you, free of charge. Call 01488 503 212 to speak to a member of the team.

You can get a feel of potential care homes by visiting them together. If they find one they like, they might like to have a respite stay there to try it out. This is a temporary stay, often for a week or two, to settle into life at the home and get to know the staff and residents.

How much time should you leave between conversations with your parent?

How much time you should leave between conversations about moving into a care home largely depends on the urgency of the situation. If your parent is seriously unwell, or you are their primary caregiver and will be moving away shortly, then you’ll need to make decisions together a lot more quickly.

If circumstances are not urgent, try to give them a week or so before bringing it up again. It may be helpful to leave some information and leads to follow so that they can do their own research and have time and space to think about it. You may be able to have more frequent conversations as the idea gains momentum. They may need some months in total to make the final decision.

What can you do if your parent refuses?

Ultimately the decision as to whether to move into a care home or not lies with the person moving, even if it would greatly improve their quality of life.

The exception to this is if they are assessed as being unable to look after themselves.

See our article for further advice on if a relative refuses to move to a care home.